THE GREAT BRINE SCHISM
In the ancient year of last Tuesday, two pitmasters divided over a terrible question: wet brine or dry brine? The backyard has not known peace since.
THE SUPREME COURT OF SMOKE • NOW IN SESSION
IN BRINE
WE TRUST.
Where the meat has rights, the ribs have representation, and the BBQ Counselor has been gently served with a side of potato salad.
12CASES ON THE DOCKET
100%UNOFFICIAL NONSENSE
∞PINCHES OF SALT
EXHIBIT A — FLAVOR ABOVE ALL ELSE
WELCOME TO THE DEPARTMENT OF DELICIOUS DISPUTES
ORDER IN THE SMOKEHOUSE.
The BBQ Counselor reads motions. We read marinades. He argues cases. We argue about whether ribs need sauce. This is the internet's most overqualified excuse to talk about smoked meat.
A fan-made, good-natured parody. Absolutely not legal advice. Surprisingly decent cooking advice.
01 / EXHIBITS FOR THE PROSECUTION
THE RECIPE DOCKET.
Real recipes. Criminally good flavor. Click an exhibit to see the whole case file.
FLAVOR
APPROVED ✓
APPROVED ✓
No evidence found. Try a different search.
THE
SMOKE
HAS SPOKEN ⚖
SMOKE
HAS SPOKEN ⚖
OFFICIAL UNOFFICIAL MANIFESTO
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO REMAIN SAUCY.
Anything you say can and will be used against you at the cookout. Counsel will be provided if you cannot afford brisket.
02 / THE SCIENCE OF SEASONING
THE BRINE LAB.
Use our calculator for a simple salt-by-weight wet brine. No law degree necessary.
CLASSIFIED RECIPE TOOL // DECLASSIFIED
YOUR SALT REQUIREMENT100 gPercentage based on water weight (1 L ≈ 1,000 g)
THE SALTY DETAILS
A 5% wet brine means 50 grams of salt per liter of water. Use a scale: different salts have different crystal sizes.
3–4% GENTLER BRINE
5–6% CLASSIC BRINE
7–8% STRONG BRINE • SHORTER SOAK
⚠ FOOD SAFETY IS NOT A PARODY.
Keep meat and brine refrigerated at 40°F / 4°C or colder. Brine time depends on cut, thickness and whether meat is pre-salted. Use a food thermometer and safe internal cooking temperatures. Don't reuse raw-meat brine.
03 / DOCUMENTS FOUND UNDER THE SMOKER
THE DEEP BRINE LORE.
All lore below is made up. The smoked-meat obsession, however, is very real.
THE SMOKE RING COVER-UP
They said the pink ring was science. We say it was the work of an underground network of suspiciously well-seasoned aldermen.
THE PEOPLE v. DRY CHICKEN
The accused claimed “it was only on the grill for a minute.” A meat thermometer entered evidence. The courtroom gasped. Justice was juicy.
THE PICKLE PROTOCOLS
A secret society of refrigerator pickles has monitored every backyard barbecue since 1987. Their motto: “Stay cool. Stay crunchy. Tell no one.”
THE BARK AMENDMENT
Congress shall make no law abridging the right of a brisket to develop a handsome crust. The justices reportedly voted nine to yum.
THE COUNSELOR SUMMONS
Our distinguished BBQ Counselor has been invited to a purely imaginary hearing to explain why he can brief a case and tend a smoker at once. Respectfully, we just want tips.
04 / INTERACTIVE JUDICIAL ENTERTAINMENT
THE FLAVOR VERDICT.
Present your grilling preferences to the honorable Judge Brisket. The ruling is binding only on your ego.
THE SUPREME COURT OF SMOKE
⚖
YOUR CASE IS
AWAITING TRIAL.
AWAITING TRIAL.
Choose your preferences and summon the judge.
Judge Brisket • Presiding
CREDIT WHERE THE SMOKE IS DUE
WE REST OUR BRISKET.
This is a playful tribute to the actual BBQ Counselor, who knows far more about litigation than we do and probably far more about brisket too. Go give the real one some love.
VISIT BBQ COUNSELOR ↗♥SMOKE
& RESPECT
& RESPECT